A Tale of Two Pimps
...and we're back. "Where were you?!" you ask, sternly yet tentatively, unsure whether your rage is justified, or perhaps we were injured in some way, perhaps accosted by some ruffians on the way home from school, and that's why we were late for dinner tonight. "What the hell are you talking about?!"
Basically, my webhost Fuitadnet tried to charge me for 6 months I had already paid for, and there was a brouhaha, and they shut down the site. So, now I'm on iPowerWeb, for like 2/3 of the price. And all is well.
And we made a pimp thing! Alright!
And once I update my laptop's memory (using money earned at my new giant sell-out job), I'm going to put together something special to try and sell you. Hooray!
And...yeah. This thing's paid through the next year now, so...don't worry about this happening again. Enjoy FireAssault.com till at least 2009, kids.
- John
June 21st, 2007Hank & Doyle: Bounty Hunters
Me and Eric made a pilot for the TV. Enjoy.
Here's what's going on, right now:
- I'm essentially done with college, so that right there's probably the last "student" film. Everything here on out, I guess, will be an "independent" film. Big difference. Less room for experimentation. Not that I make the most experimental films in the world.
- I'm gonna start focusing more on just writing (you know, the fun part) so I'll probably add a "Scripts" section to the site. Once I have more than 24/25 of one screenplay done.
- I'll also be adding my demo reel to here, since I'm a grown-up now, and I need to trick people into giving me jobs. Once that's done.
- All that said, I have at least 3 shorts I wanna make over the summer, so the whole idea of "coming here to watch funny short things" is in no way dead. For serious.
Also, I'm still on Fuitadnet cause I'm, well, lazy. No biggie.
- John
March 27th, 2007WOW, it's been a long time!
Two new things:
- After a remarkably long time in the making, Robot Season is finally done. Have fun with it.
- I made a Promo for Cutters while I was working there, so I'm putting that up, too.
We're currently filming a pilot (that's the first episode of a TV show, for everyone who hasn't seen Pulp Fiction) about two guys (me and Eric) that're bounty hunters that're also in college. Fighting crime, but also trying to get Aunt May her medicine and such. About half of it's been filmed. It should be done around June. Very exciting.
Also, if you're reading this right now, this site has moved away from the accursed dogs at Fuitadnet, to its new home at iPowerWeb. Fuitadnet got real sucky towards the end there. But it's over now. Everything's gonna be alright.
And...yeah. I'll probably be back once the pilot's done. We'll talk then.
- John
November 1st, 2006Hey, I figured I should check in, since it's been like half a year.
We haven't really, uhh..."filmed anything". Yeah. I was in Three Oaks, MI over the summer filming politics, so nothing funny got filmed then (except this totally awesome ComiCon Contest Entry me and this guy Mat did. Which lost unfairly to some fatso's less awesome entry) Add that to the fact that none of the classes either me or Eric take at the moment have required anything with potential for funny to be filmed, and production has been understandably slim.
Which means, no updates. Sure, I could post random crap on here. Bug you guys with the sordid details of my life. Angst, song lyrics, stuff like that. Interesting recipes for soups and soaps. But that's not what we're all about here. We make funny movies (sometimes), and if we can pass that funny onto you, this is the vehicle.
Actually, here's some upcoming stuffs you might wanna be in on:
- Next quarter (which, yes, is after X-Mas), I'll be writing/filming/editing a 15-minute movie of some kind as an Independent Study. Will it be on here? Almost certainly. In March. Which is actually almost sooner than the time between this update and the last, which I guess qualifies it as "news".
- I will, in fact, finish at least the filmed part of Robot Season someday.
- I will, over X-Mas break, film that short about Andrew swordfighting Brian we've been talking about for like 2 1/2 years.
- I am totally going to be Steven Segal next Halloween.
- I'll update the Podcast once I feel less lazy than I suddenly do at the thought of updating the Podcast.
- John
June 23rd, 2006I started a Podcast, mostly just because I can. You iPod-using people (or those of you like me, who can't afford an iPod but like to download podcasts anyway, and play them on your cheapo "eBayed for 40 bucks a couple years ago" mp3 player) should proceed to "Subscribe" immediately, or I'll be forced...to be sad.
- John
June 12th, 2006Alright. It's been about two months, so I should probably update. Here's what we've been doing:
- Two new shorts, Skagal Commercials and A Korean Love Story, have been put online. Both are products of a comedy writing class, and both are really, really friggin' weird. Enjoy.
- Robot Season, if all goes according to plan, will be finished filming, first two episodes-wise, by this Saturday. That is an extremely poorly constructed sentence. Also, I and ADMS (the DePaul animation club) will be editing and special effecting the whole thing over the next few months, with the hopes of having something to show for it by the time school starts. Yes, this thing has been crazy delayed, but c'mon, CGI robots are hard. And we're very busy.
- Eric's got an internship at CBS News for the summer, and we're all very proud of him. But we're all more proud of his impressive and flattering beard. I didn't used to use the word "burly" often, but, uhh...it's very apt.
- I got an internship, too, filming commercials (among other things) for Kim Clark's Congressional Campaign. Yes, the guy who I bash the hell out of in those Skagal Commercials. That's how I got the job. It's all very ironic. The downside is that I'll be in Three Oaks, MI for a couple months. The place is one square mile, and very artsy-fartsy,with a population of about a thousand and a half, with 3 cops. You know, the exact opposite of a place I want to be.
- What's the Deal With Slavs? was in the DePaul film festival a couple of weeks ago, where it played very well and got laughs in all the right places, which is just terrific.
- I wrote about two comic reviews for Comic Avalanche, and then lost all interest in the endevor once I found out that he didn't archive old reviews, meaning everything I went to the trouble of writing was gone forever like a week later. Also, I'm very lazy.
- John
April 17th, 2006Alright. It's been over a month, so I should probably update. Here's what we've been doing:
- Robot Season is both being filmed and getting specially effected (affected?), and the first episode should be online by early June.
- Me and Eric are in a comedy writing class, and the final can be filmed, so there'll be at least one more random short before the end of the semester.
- I started writing comic reviews for Comic Avalanche on what I hope to be a weekly basis, which sounds geeky only because it is. It's mostly to make myself a better writer by writing. If I could have reviewed beer and motorcycles, I would have. I swear.
- John
March 16th, 2006You'll notice things look a bit different. I streamlined the whole site. Simpler, cleaner. Easier to update. Nicer to look at. I think it's an improvement. Now, a lot of the older links on this little news window won't "work" anymore, but it's for the best. Trust me.
Also, all of the shorts are now in both YouTube and iPod formats, for your watching pleasure. Enjoy.
Other also, there's a new short called What's the Deal with Slavs? that you should watch and enjoy.
And...that's really about it. Look around. There's probably other new stuff I forgot to mention. I mean, the site was down for a couple days, right? There's gotta be more on here. Peruse.
- John
February 27th, 2006-
I updated the
Robot Season site with a whole bunch of stuff.
- I uploaded 2 of 5 parts of Me and Eric's Documentary Production final, entitled "What's the Deal With Slavs?". Expect the other parts to be uploaded as we film and edit them.
- John
February 1st, 2006And so, after 7 months of laborious labor, the
Monkeys SuperDVD
...is finally good to go. Buy away, young fans. Buy away.
In the other news, we're making a lot of headway in the "my TV show + Eric's TV show" departments, but it's in a way where there's absolutely nothing to show for it at the moment. (Like, I personally am learning to texture 3d models. WOW!) So, I'll keep everyone posted on that, but like I've probably said, these first episodes are going to take forever.
But hey, now you can rewatch the other movies I made (4-3 years ago. Jesus Christ...) in the best quality ever. By far. By wicked far.
- John
January 12th, 2006Here's what new in the exciting world of Fire Assault:
- I haven't had a computer for the past 2 weeks, and won't for probably another week, cause I brought it to Best Buy to get the burner fixed. Which means, yes, guarenteed Monkeys SuperDVDs in the near future.
- Mark's doing something very, very neat with the special effects testing for RS this weekend. I'd give the details, but, uhh...it's a secret. For now.
- I'm pretty happy with the script for the first episode, so I'll pass it onto the board (Mark and Eric), and if I get approval, I'll probably storyboard (or at least start storyboarding) that this weekend.
- Once I get my computer back, I'm focusing 70% of my energies on finishing a robot model, with animations and textures and everything. To do that, I have to learn how to use the program Maya, from the ground up. You understand how this might take some time.
- Prago got an iPod.
- Brian's in Japan.
- Shaved off the beard completely for the first time in about a year, so the mouthish part of my head is very cold.
- For the record, 10% schoolwork, 10% eating and sleeping, 10% funtastic good times.
- John
December 20th, 2005Two things:
I put 2 New Shorts on the "Shorts" page. Actually, they're not so much "new" as "old and kind of mediocre", but now you can see them with your own two eyes, which is nice, cause they're kind of funny.
Also, the Robot Movie is now basically a TV Show. Yeah.
- John
November 30th, 2005Big honkin' update here. As you may have noticed, the yet-untitled (because thinking of titles is hard) robot movie now has it's own Web Page, complete with online journal and everything. Of course, there's not a whole lot of content yet, but that's only because we haven't really done anything yet.
Still, it's a start. Feel free to check it frequently.
- John
October 24th, 2005New forum. And unlike the last one, it's not being eaten alive from the inside out by viruses, so it's pretty nice.
Go ahead. Post. It'll make you feel good. Having a place to vent your wants and desires. Or talk about movies and comics, as is usually the case in there.
- John
October 24th, 2005Site was down for a couple of days, but I fixed it.
I'll make a new forum to complain about things like this soon enough.
- John
October 16th, 2005...on the other hand, hey look! I actually got Monkeys 2 back online!
I know how you guys like Monkeys 2. It's everyone's favorite. Except Pat's parents, for some reason. It's weird. But c'mon, it's got the whole "Me and Mark Fighting Bad Guys With a Baseball Bat" scene. All Curse of the Wolf had was "Me Fighting a Bad Guy With a Baseball Bat". The robot movie is looking to have "Me, Mark, and Eric Fighting Bad Guys With a Baseball Bat", which I feel is a step back in the right direction.
"Man, this guy's ALREADY running out of ideas."
Actually, I just kinda like pretending to hit things with baseball bats. And look, if I had access to a bunch of laser guns, all of my movies would have those, too. Until somebody starts paying me, all these flicks are gonna have basically the same props.
The point is, uhh...oh, right. Monkeys 2. Online. The quality's crap, but hey, it'll hold you over till I can make those DVDs.
- John
October 15th, 2005Frequent forum users may have noticed that the forum's down. Yeah. Those spammers that've been out of control lately (about 2 new fake users a day) have finally managed to break down so much that I can't even get into the administration panel to fix it. I don't know why they hate my forum so. I don't. It's as if my tears give them their awesome red power.
But hey, I'll either magically fix it, or just make a new forum. Whichever is actually possible.
- John
October 10th, 2005I've cracked the Monkeys Quicktime code, which means
Monkeys 1 is back online, baby!
The Monkeys 2 Quicktime code is as uncracked as ever, though. But hey, now I can focus all of my efforts on that.
And hey, look, it's Monkeys! For FREE! That's pretty great, right?
And now, updates on everything else:
Monkeys SuperDVD:
Burner still ain't working right. I might make a trailer or something to keep interest going until I can get this stupid thing fixed. But I'm just throwing that out there, don't hold me to it.
Robot Movie Script:
First draft is officially at the 45 Pages mark. Ergo, by international average movie-length standards, half done.
- John
September 12th, 2005So here's what:
Monkeys SuperDVD:
Any of you paying even a small amount of attention probably noticed that the last update was essentially a "Hey, I finished the Monkeys SuperDVD! BUY IT!" update awkwardly transformed into a "uhh...COMING SOON!" update.
What happened was, I finished the DVD, finalized everything, updated the web page, and then my DVD burner didn't work.
Apparently, my dual-layer DVD burner doesn't recognize dual-layer blank DVD's. Which sucks. And Sony seems completely unwilling to help me out. I've called customer support twice, done the live support chat once, and emailed them twice, and every time they've just told me what I already know and thanked me for my time. So, I've pretty much got to wait until Winter Break, when I don't need the computer on a daily basis, and give it Best Buy and tell them to fix it.
So, the point is, even though the DVD is done, I can't make any and you can't have one until Christmas.
But hey, try to remain excited, ok?
Online Monkeys Downloads:
This is just a matter of file-conversion here. I'm trying to make a Quicktime version of Monkeys (the original, not the DVD remaster), and it's not converting right, or even reasonably small. So, I'm working on that, leaving a file rendering pretty much constantly, trying different things out, etc, etc.
Not sure when that's gonna be done, but hopefully it'll be soon.
More Shorts:
Not this semester. Only film class I'm taking is Advanced Sound Design, and that doesn't really translate to online download for entertainment very well.
Robot Movie Script:
Plugging Along.
- John
August 27th, 2005And so, almost two months of not having anything to put on the web page leads to an UPDATE EXPLOSION!
First and foremost, I finally, FINALLY finished that MONKEYS SUPERDVD I've been promising for God knows how long. You can't actually...uhh..."buy" one yet, as I'm still working out the kinks on my Double Layer DVD-Burner. But once everything works, I'll let you know, and you should totally purchase a DVD. If you have any questions, I explain pretty much everything on the "Why should I buy a new Monkeys DVD?" page.
Also, you may have noticed, after clicking the above link, that there's also a bunch of new merchandise. T-shirts and clocks and such. I myself plan on buying both the Monkeys 2 shirt and a Monkeys 2 clock.
That's...actually about it for today. Sometime this/next week, I'll be putting the Monkeys movies back up for download (in way-better Quicktime format), as well as a commentary we recorded for the Monkeys DVD that's so bad I can't in good conscience charge you for it.
Robot Movie Update: I'm 35-ish pages into the first draft, and I plan on getting to 50 before school starts. So far, word of mouth with those who've read it say it's better than the ninja script ever was. Long term plans are thus:
- Now - December: Keep writing script, doing multiple drafts, getting comments from people, etc.
- December-Spring Break: Make robot movie web page, start updating that with some frequency, concentrate on rewriting, storyboarding (which is unavoidable with this movie, as there's CGI in it), casting, working out filming locations, etc, etc. All the preproduction stuff.
- Spring Break - End of Summer: Film and Edit the sucker. (I edit simultaneous to filming.)
- However Long it Takes: Do the special effects and music, put it online and start selling some badass DVDs to people like yourself.
- John
July 7th, 2005I finally finished re-editing Monkeys. God, was THAT a pain in the ass.
Anyway, I'll do the extras and such over the course of the next month, and the whole thing should be for sale on the store page by mid-August.
...that's about it.
- John
June 16th, 2005So, I started re-editing the first Monkeys movie (upping the picture quality using the latest in home video editing technology) for the new superDVD I have planned and wow, even I am shocked by the difference in quality.
Oh, and I got a B+ on "Forts" in one class, and an A in another. For anyone who cares.
And I'm going to start writing a new feature script next week.
- John
June 7th, 2005COLOSSAL UPDATE!
(so huge, we're calling it a "uberupdate", with the two dots
above both u's, which I can't type on my American keyboard.)
- I switched all the downloadable video files over to .mov (since it's better than Windows Media Player, and yes, I do like PC's better, but c'mon, Windows Media Player is crap), and in the process, made the "Download Movies!" section look a little bit spiffier. Why? Well, not only to say "Hey, these things are Quicktime now! Times are a'changin'!", but also to herald the arrival of...
- A NEW SHORT! It's called "Forts". It has its moments. You should download and watch it.
- John
May 19th, 2005So here's my final photoshop project: All the different pictures put together in one FUCKING AWESOME PICTURE.
By the by, it's conveniently wallpaper-shaped, and I wouldn't blame you if you took advantage of that.
Big Weekend: Filming my 10-minute final about fort building tomorrow, and half of the No Fate Video on Sunday.
Both will probably be on here in the next couple weeks.
Unless they, you know, suck.
- John
May 10th, 2005Well, I tried to get the forum back up, but circumstances worked against me, and apparently it's pretty impossible. So, here's a NEW FORUM for everybody. Those of you who check this site often enough to see this update should really join the forum. Get your voice heard. Thrill as me and my friends totally don't play by the rules. It's good times.
Oh, hey, for photoshop class, I had to combine at least 5 images for each picture to create
1) a new person ("The Coolest Guy Ever")
2) a new object ("The Greatest Thing Ever")
3) a new animal ("The Best Animal Ever")
So, after an hour or four of working, here are my results:
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- John
May 2nd, 2005Well, that was a big honkin' pain in the ass.
I apologize for the down time (if anyone even noticed). I had a good reason. You see...
I SWITCHED TO A NEW SERVER!
So what? Well, now that I have 3 gigs of space instead of 125mb, I can not ONLY host my own movie files (which is nice), I can also afford to make them into alternate .mov files (once I figure out an easy way to do that on a PC).
If you or anyone you know knows of a good way to make small, high-quality Quicktime files on a PC, you/they should email me. (that was a terrible sentence) Yes, I do accept advice from strangers. Like that time that bum said "hey kid, you know where the money is? Moving picture shows, and that intranet!" Nice guy. Smelled a little too much like salt.
I have no idea where I was going with that. I should really proofread these updates or something. Anyway...
The forum will be back up once I figure out how to fix it.
Here's some other news:
- I'm making a No Fate music video, along with Eric. Like, a real one, with new footage and what not. It should be pretty spectacular, since both No Fate and I rock like, I don't know, System of a Down playing covers of HammerFall songs in Fast-Forward in space, fighting aliens with their rocking. That's a pretty terrible simile. Or metaphor. No, I think it's simile.
- I'm also making, with the help of 2 other guys, a 10-minutes short for Production II about Mark and Eric having a fort-building contest in the apartment. It's my final for two classes. If it turns out good, it goes online. If it sucks the big one, this is the last you'll ever hear of it.
"But John, what about a real, feature-length movie? You promised!"
- That's gonna take time, as I'm taking 5 classes (in 3 days a week), plus two full days of work, leaving only Saturday and Sunday for free time. Ergo, I'm gonna work on the script over the summer, planning on filming over the course of next school year. What's it gonna be about? Damned if I know.
- Monkeys:
- introduction by me to explain the restoration process
- painstakingly recut edition with higher video quality straight from the source footage
- the regular old version of the movie, for traditionalists (I am not George Lucas, folks)
- old commentary with me, Brian, Eric, and Mark
- new commentary with Prago, Pat, and Mike (if they're willing)
- never-before-seen deleted scenes/outtakes
- those 2 commercials on the other dvd
- that ghostbusters thing
- animated storyboard
- all-new kickass animated menus
- the same old movie, cause the quality's fine on this one
- all-new commentary with everybody available
- that deleted scene where Mark kills everybody
- that interview thing, edited to make sense again
- special effects test
- all-new kickass animated menus
Now, this could change, but I think that's a pretty solid list. Things could be added or dropped, depending on how much stuff I can actually fit on the dual-layer disk. It is 9 gigs, though. That's a crapload of space.
- John
April 16th, 2005Switching to a new server, and it's not going particularly smoothly, so the site's gonna be up and down every few hours or so for the next few days.
- John
April 7th, 2005Well, I am in a pickle.
I watched Elektra at work. It was dumb. Not painfully bad, or anything, but real dumb.
Also, it had ghost ninjas.
And in seeing this, I realized that ghost ninjas is a pretty dumb idea.
Which has me rethinking everything I'm writing in my next feature-length script I got going here. Total, full-on, crisis of plot going on here. Not like Honest Abe, where the shock of my vilian being an unconsciously stolen idea (coupled with the fact that I often really, really lazy) made me totally give up on the thing. But still pretty bad. I'm still gonna make a feature, Mark's still gonna star, it'll still be action/sci-fi/comedy (my specialty), it'll still be very Chicago-y. But it might be nothing whatsoever like this script.
Wanna Read The Script? Click here, sport.
If you read it and think "My God, this is...this is fantastic! I must know what happens next, especially in movie form!", mention it on the forum. Or, if you're not a member (which you should be), email me or something. I will take your opinion to heart. I'm pretty easily influenced by feedback.
Then again, it might suck.
In more positive news, I'm in the process of getting more web space, which means all the movies in .mov format. Which'll be nice. I won't lie to you, I hate those .wmv files as much as the next guy.
And I'm gonna look into what I can do as far as a special edition Monkeys Saga DVD once I can manage to redownload the program I use to make DVDs.
Geez, long update.
- John
March 9th, 2005Space Whiskey
It's the new short. And it's cool. So watch it.
- John
March 1st, 2005Put up another short. Dedicated to those of you who were like "How come you guys haven't made a zombie flick yet? I thought you were independent rebels." Well, check out this independent rebelling. OR DIE?!?!
- John
February 26th, 2005So. Fire Assaultcateers. I got a free new computer from Best Buy cause my other one totally broke a lot, right? And instead of getting the one that is the modern-day equivilant of mine, I paid an extra $150 and got THE GREATEST LAPTOP THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN:
80 gigs of hard drive space, high-definition widescreen display, and a mutherfuckin' DUAL-LAYER DVD BURNER. Yeah. I know. Next movie I make is going to have one hell of a DVD. Actually, I'm considering making a Special Edition "Complete Monkeys Saga DVD with both movies and lots of features. Why? BECAUSE I CAN.
MAN, I'M GOING OVERBOARD WITH THE CAPS.
In other news, yesterday, Jim from The Werewolf Cafe gave me a bunch of free promotional stuff for no reason.
It was great. I wish this sort of thing would happen all the time.No more of that paying/asking for crap. From now on, everything I own will be things I didn't know I wanted that I have to do nothing whatsoever to earn. Probably going to have to build a house out of coupons or something. Eating free samples from Costco. Except I won't be able to buy a membership. I know I had a point here...
Uhh...
- John
February 11th, 2005Computer broke. Hard drive physically stopped spinning, and started grinding. Won't be updating for a while.
But hey, expect a pretty massive update when I do.
- John
Groundhog Day, 2005Couple of links have been added to the links section. First one is for Cardinal Filmworks, the filmmaking club at Ball State that was greatly beneficial to getting CotW made. I got the member of the year award last year. And a plaque. Cause I rock.
(I won by 1 vote. I got 3, and like 10 other people got 2. And I voted for me. Shhh.)
The other one is SomethingElseTV, which I have nothing whatsoever to do with, but it's a lot of the same people as Filmworks and it's funny, so they get a link.
In the upcoming stuff department, I'm writing more script lately than I was before lately, which is good. Once I have a finished draft, I'll make a web page to put it on. Also, I have videos to make for school, which means I'll have a few funny shorts to put on this page sometime before the end of March. Neat, huh? Yeah. Neat.
- John
January 18th, 2005Some of you may not know this, but every Fire Assault™ DVD has hand-drawn disk art by me, local ragamuffin John McGuigan. Partially because I'm too cheap to buy those fancy "disk labels", and partially because I believe that you, the consumer, would prefer something a little more one-of-a-kind and personal. Something that says "Hey, I'm the director of this movie. I drew some funny little pictures here, just for you."
Here's a couple examples:
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So...yeah. That's that.
Ninja Movie Script Update: Haven't worked on it in like a week. Yeah, I'm as disappointed in me as you are. Probably moreso.
- John
January 10th, 2005I'm giving away free No Fate CDs with every DVD Order now, because...well, because Tom asked me to. So buy some DVDs. And enjoy your free CD.
- John
January 5th, 2005Not much to say right now, except that I
put CURSE OF THE WOLF online!!!1
How about that, eh? You know what it means? It means I'm officially done with every "CotW"-related thing I could ever have to do, and I can wash my hands of that godforsaken movie, and move on with my life.
Not that it's bad. Heh heh. I hear it's pretty decent. Hell, there's a rave review on the forum. I've just seen it like 17 times a day for the past year or so. Little sick of it. You understand.
So, now it's available for all the world to see, for the low, low price of "free". Although I still must insist that you the buy the dvd. The quality's like way better, and there's a bunch of special features, and this is, to be honest, my only job. I have to eat, folks.
So, uhh...enjoy.
- John
January 3rd, 2005You've probably noticed a lack of updates lately. I realize that. But I promise you, it's 100% because I've had nothing to update with. You're not missing anything.
Of course, there's always that werewolf movie I haven't uploaded yet...
...and will continue to not upload for the time being.
But hey, to tide you over for a while, here's a selection from the script to my upcoming ninja movie:
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Steve and Andrew are sitting there, eating pizza, and arguing about something unimportant.
He mimics a dunk-slamming motion. Across the room, the scroll case in Caine’s jacket pocket begins to glow faintly.
The scroll case is glowing a little brighter.
The scroll case glows brighter still.
The scroll case is positively beaming.
In the hallway outside the apartment, someone can be heard RUNNING UP THE STAIRS.
Suddenly, the door is kicked open. A NINJA runs in, draws his sword, and screams at Steve and Andrew.
Steve and Andrew scream back, as surprised and confused as you are, and dive off the couch in opposite directions just in time to avoid 3 ninja stars, which slice into the couch like so many flying razor blades decapitating people in Wild Wild West.
- John
December 16th, 2004I put the Thor script online.
And now, the updates you've been waiting for:
- Kung Fu movie script is progressing...slowly. Totally won't make my self-imposed "first draft by end of break" deadline. Not in a bajillion years. So, no web page or anything for that anytime soon. But hey, I'll keep bringing it up so's you don't forget about it.
- Curse of the Wolf will be online and free in, oh, I don't know, let's say, 2 1/2 weeks.
- John
December 2nd, 2004So, 3 years or so ago, I had to do a project on the book Dracula for a British Literature class. So I made a video game. You play as Dracula, and eat townsfolk, and the end guy is Van Helsing in a spaceship.
http://www.fireassault.com/Dracula.zip
Can't believe I still had this. For the record, I got a B. Which is nice. Considering I never "read the book", and "have only seen the Mel Brooks movie".
- John
November 28th, 2004Curse of the Wolf is so officially done it ain't even funny. You can prove this by looking at all the stuff on the sidebar to your left there. It all says CotW's done. Because it is.
You can, if you'd like, BUY IT. I totally wouldn't hold it against you. In fact, I'd totally profit. But, if you don't want to, that's fine, too. I'm up for whatever. It'll be online soon enough, anyway.
So, over the next month or so, I'll be writing the Kung Fu movie, and by mid-January, I should have a web page plus the first draft of the script up.
Because if there's anything I want to be known for, it's sharing. And my legendary love of imagination. Rivaled only by that of the Muppet Babies. Because, damn, did they love imagination.
- John
November 20th, 2004No Fate Music Video
is done. DVD is essentially done. Temp score is as done as it'll ever be. Actual score is a long way from done, but I'm gonna go ahead and ignore that. The New Paypal-ready store has been up for a while, I just haven't said anything cause the werewolf movie wasn't done. But now it pretty much is. So buy away. The movie itself will be online...eventually. Once I find time to let it render for a good for-freakin'-ever.And now, to finally start working on something else.
- John
November 14th, 2004So, these next two weeks will be the most intensely packed full of responsibility weeks of my entire week. Well, not really. They'll really only be moderately responsibility-packed. But I like to complain.
Haven't worked on the music video in a week. I'll finish that sometime before Friday,and put it online. I also plan on finishing up all the other werewolf movie crap I still have to do, which means, yes, in theory, Curse of the Wolf will be online at the end of this week.
Also, the store should be up once I figure out how the hell to sell things with Paypal.
- John
November 10th, 2004What the-? Is that
Monkeys 2: Fight the Future, now available for download?!
So it would seem. The quality's total shit, but hey, at least it's reasonably-sized.And now, back to Halo 2.
- John
November 9th, 2004Hey there, sports! Here's what's going on:
I finished the Curse of the Wolf DVD Case. You can see it here.
I'm still attempting to convert Monkeys 2 in a way that pleases me enough to put online. It takes about 4 hours to render, and I can't "use the computer" while it does, so I can really only do it while I sleep. Hence the taking forever. But it'll be up as soon as it works.
Decided not to do a commentary for the Curse of the Wolf DVD, cause I feel like a jackass talking to nobody, and I've decided to assume that no one wants to hear me talk about the movie for 90 minutes. Although, considering you're reading this right now, somebody likes to hear/read what I have to say. But still, feel like a jackass, and no one's paying me. So that's out.
I did start editing a No Fate Music Video, which some concert footage and movie footage spliced together. I'm about a minute and a half in at this point. I would've gotten further tonight, but I suddenly got the urge to make two rad-to-the-fucking-max Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie wallpapers:
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Anyway, hopefully, by Saturday, I'll have Monkeys 2 online, the music video done, Curse of the Wolf retemp-scored and its DVD totally done. Sounds like a lot, but 1/3 of that list involves me sleeping, and the last two will take me like 20 minutes once i just sit down and do 'em.
And then, when I'm done with all that, I can get on with new shit: outline that Kung Fu movie I want to film. Do a treatment or whatever. Yeah.
- John
November 3rd, 2004Well, the server's a bust. It had a password on it, which we couldn't get past or find out. It was also enormous and loud. And, we did the math, and it'd over double our electric bill with its wattage of 700W.
Luckily, the good folks over at The Oasis Alliance were generous and godlike enough to allow me to put my movies on their space. Which means, that's right...
Monkeys is now available for download!!
- John
November 1st, 2004Mark brought the server yesterday. We're gonna try and hook it up and get it working sometime over the course of the week. Which means, well...Monkeys 1 and 2 online sometime this week.
That is all.
- John
October 29th, 2004So, yesterday, my parents got a letter addressed to Andrew Estrada at "Fire Assault Records". They didn't know what to make of it, but gave it to me to give to Andrew anyways.
See, we kind of dropped the whole Fire Assault Records thing when didn't make any music, way, way back in the day. It never really made it past one web page on here a long, long time ago. So, that, plus the fact that it's a letter to Andrew that came to my house, makes it a little...suspicious.
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Unfortunately, it wasn't a bomb. Or even anthrax. Just some crap about a meeting between all the great CEOs of the world or something. That Andrew could be a part of, helping him put Fire Assault Records on the map. Lame.
I have no idea how to finish this update, so I'll end it like this.
- John
October 28th, 2004Web Page totally "put the movies on it"-ready. Now all I need is the movies. Which are totally "put on the internet"-ready. So all I need is a server. Which I'll have the moment Mark goes home.So, my point is, soon.
- John
October 26th, 2004Totally Streamlined the Monkeys and Monkeys 2 pages, in preparation for the movies being completely online.
Speaking of, I made a .wmv file of Monkeys that's full quality and a mere 98.4mb, which, if you know anything about this sort of thing, you'll realize is FUCKING MINUTE. So, Monkeys 1 is totally ready to be put online. Now alls I need is for Mark to bring the server to the apartment and hook it up. And to convert Monkeys 2. And finish the web pages. And finish Curse of the Wolf. Ok, so I still have a crapload of work to do. I think I use the word "crap" or something crap-related two or three times an update. Which means I must say it like constantly. I talk like Strongbad. Mildly depressing.
But yeah, I'm working pretty hard this week (and the next couple weeks) to get everything going so I might, just might, make my Thanksgiving deadline for all the cra...stuff below. So keep checking back.
- John
October 25th, 2004You'll notice some slight differences all over the place right now. And there's a great many slight difference you probably won't notice. You've got a front row seat for me changing the crap out of this web page, kid. Stay tuned. It'll get more interesting soon enough.
- John
October 25th, 2004I made a list of all the crap I need to do before Thanksgiving. It's a rather long list. I'm approaching "in way over my head" using this list. But it all must be done. If only so I can stop punishing myself for not putting anything new on this site for a while.
And by punishing myself, I mean not punishing myself at all, and leading a rather pleasant and healthy existence. But, dammit, it should be a pleasant and healthy existence where I have an awesome web page full of stuff that people constantly compliment me on.
So, here's the list:
Curse of the Wolf
- Re-Temp Score the Movie
- Record Commentary
- Film the Easter Egg
- Finish the DVD case
- Finalize the DVD
Kung Fu Movie
- Outline the Script
- Write the First Draft
- Make a web page(?)
The Duel
- Film all the Just Andrew scenes
- Figure out exactly what I'm filming for the With Brian scenes
FireAssault.com
- Get Monkeys 1 and 2 online
- Redo the whole site to accomodate the above
- Redo the store, make it Paypal-accessable
- Finish the web page for Mark's Zombie Game.
Along with all this, I have like, school and shit, too. So, hey, we'll see what happens.
- John
October 20th, 2004Happy Birthday to me.
I can do that. It's my web page.
I'm 20. Jesus Christ, where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday, I was a teenager.
It's an old joke. But I'm an old man.
- John
October 18th, 2004Well, the weekend's finally over.
Thank god for that. So much homework...
So what's up next for Team Fire Assault? Well, don't go telling everyone you know (correction: do), but I'm currently working on getting Monkeys 1 & 2 online, full-length, high-quality, for you and your buddies to watch for free.
And, eventually, a certain werewolf movie you're undoubtably interested in seeing, considering you're reading this.
Very exciting.
Also, the Kung Fu script is coming along much better than it was a week ago.
So, be prepared for very nice things on this site in the near future.
- John
October 14th, 2004I made a very important decision.
That The Duel movie on the Upcoming page has a montage, right?
And the music during that montage...will be this.
That is all.
- John
October 13th, 2004So, I mostly revamped this update page so's I could have something I could update all the time for no particular reason. Most of you have probably figured this out. The only problem is, right after I did this, my gregorious free time suddenly became a gregorious lack of free time, gregoriously.
Seriously. By Monday, I have to handwrite about 60 pages, fix up my treatment for the Thor Movie (I'll put that up here, with an explination, once it's done), study for my screenwriting midterm, see Team America, buy my mom's X-Mas present (that That's Entertainment dvd box set, which she wants, and will only be cheap until Sunday), and generally clear up any loose end my life could possibly have.
But hey, around Tuesday, I should start posting here with some amount of regularity.
And I'll try to make you laugh. Or something. I'd hate to have on of those online diary things where someone bitches and complains, and you're expected to read it.
::reads paragraphs above::
::frowns::
I'm very disappointed in myself.
- John
October 8th, 2004Hey, look at this!
- John
August 1st, 2004Jumping Jesus Christ in a Handbasket, did I update a lot! Expect this to be the biggest update this site will ever see. Because...I mean...well...Holy crap.
Updates include:
- 100% New Main Page (or as I like to call it, "John avoiding copyright laws")
- Totally Revamped Honest Abe (or as I like to call it, "John's Art Page")
- New CotW Theatrical Trailer (or as I like to call it, "The Hype-Builder 5000")
- Monkeys and Monkeys 2 backstories (or as I like to call them, "excuses")
- John
July 12th, 2004"April 27th"?! Christ, do I ever update this thing?!
To be entirely honest, there hasn't been much reason to. Still in Werewolf Movie limbo. God damn that movie. Now I know why most feature-length movies aren't 90% made by one guy.
Speaking of honesty, I haven't even started revamping/finishing Honest Abe. I will. Seriously. Early August-ish.
That "History of FAP" section's probably gonna go. I'll never finish writing it, cause it'd be work, and nobody cares, so why bother? Actually, the whole "ABOUT FIRE ASSAULT" section could be done without. It's rather lame, in all honesty.
That's right, in the 3 months since I've looked at this page, I've gotten a totally fresh perspective on everything. And an urge to rant about it.
I figure, once I finish my primary work on CotW, I'll redo this main page, with something spiffy and totally not ripped off from my high school's web page.
And finish Honest Abe.
And continue writing my kung fu movie.
More on that later.
- John
April 27th, 2004Two things:
- Honest Abe is down for an extreme make-over. Take that as you will.
- Apparently, the T-Shirts we made do not survive the washing process (why yes, we are just finding that out now), so...I don't know. We'll see if that's fixable. If not, I don't really want to sell you people disposable T-shirts. I'll work on it.
- John
April 10th, 2004WOW! It's been a while.
For the record, I have been updating the Curse of the Wolf Page every day or two. I'm not a total loss.
To be honest, I don't know how much updating this general section of the web site needs, anyway. It's kind of designed to not require much updating.
Except the store.
Which I expect will finally have T-shirts (and maybe even an automatic STORE dealy that doesn't require you to just email me and send me money) sometime mid-May.
I'll try and keep you posted.
Oh, and I got a new screenname.
And there's a new trailer on the Curse of the Wolf Page.
- John
January 24th, 2004BIG NEWS!
FIRE ASSAULT FORUM.
Check it out.
- John
January 15th, 2004Margaret Dost's Art Page. Fireassault.com has expanded beyond its former "All the crap John has done" state to become the host to an amazing array of web pages!
Or...one...other web page.
But there will be more!
So check it out, or Rosie O'Donnell will eat your grandparents.
- John
January 11th, 2004We made a few T-shirts, and then immediately all went away to college, so we can't start selling them yet. I'd say summer at the earliest for that.
Keep checking the Werewolf Movie Page. I'll be updating that like daily, whereas I'll be updating everything else...not so daily. But the point is, support my werewolf movie, and I will reward you later in life in one way or another. Awesomely. Like "$20" awesome.
- John
December 18th, 2003Took down the mailing list, for two very good reasons.
#1, I have absolutely no idea how to use it.
#2, only me and Brian's brother are on it.
So don't worry about it.
Oh, and over break, we're going to make T-Shirts, so expect an update about that on the store sometime in the next 3 weeks.
- John
December 3rd, 2003Werewolf Movie Page has been massively updated, with the script and stuff. Plus, that's gonna be updated like daily-ish, so you should check it out. Often. Oh, and before you go, buy something.
- John
November 6th, 2003Hey, I got the Mailing List going. I think. So, if you'd like to stay posted with updates and stuff, and not have to check the page every day (as I'm sure you all do), you should join that. And buy something.
- John
November 6th, 2003Added some screenshots from Monkeys 2 to the Monkeys 2 page, for those of you who want to see more Prago. Or the rest of us. Mostly Prago.
Should have a mailing list set up sometime next week. That'll be neat.
Oh, and, uhh, buy something.
- John
October 21st, 2003Check it out: The Fire Assault web site is up. Oh Glorious day. So, Look around. Download things. Buy stuff. Email me and say nice things about me. I like that. Just spend as much time as you possibly can at this web site. Seriously.
- John